


Never has it been more important to remember that we at Viridian are a family.

by storiesfortravellers



Category: Better Off Ted
Genre: Crack, Evil Corporations, Gen, Humor, Lem and Phil are adorable and dangerous, Mad Scientists, Pandemics, Satire, Science, Veronica being Veronica, Zoom Meetings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:08:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28302096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesfortravellers/pseuds/storiesfortravellers
Summary: Lem and Phil invent exciting new products that are definitely not at all horrible.For the prompt of: How Viridian is dealing with the pandemicA Yuletide treat for Ghostj. Hope you like it!
Comments: 16
Kudos: 32
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	Never has it been more important to remember that we at Viridian are a family.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GhostJ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostJ/gifts).



> Content warning:  
> This fic tries to find humor in how an unethical company like Viridian would try to respond to the current situation. It tries to fulfill a prompt that asks for it, and it tries to imitate canon-type satire of serious issues found in the show Better Off Ted. I completely understand that not everyone is in a place where it would be good to read something like this. If this is the case for you, please do not read. Some of us find a little comfort in satire, but I totally get that this is not true for everyone, and I don't want anyone to be hurt by a fic -- so please only read if you're okay with mentions of the following:  
> -References to several aspects of the pandemic as Phil and Lem propose inventions to address these issues (Zoom meetings, increased deliveries, loneliness, social distancing, toilet paper shortages)  
> -Unethical science, including genetic engineering, privacy violations  
> -Canon-typical problematic workplace dynamics and bad treatment of employees  
> -References to sexism/intentional algorithmic bias  
> -Corporate manipulation of negative emotions for profit  
> -Brief mentions of potential violence (canon-typical)

“We have a terrific new product to show all of you!” Lem said excitedly over the Zoom screen. “Wouldn’t you say so, PHIL?”

Phil smiled and nodded from his own Zoom window. “Yeah.”

“Great, let’s get started,” Veronica said from her Zoom window, which she had somehow managed to frame in a gold rectangle headlined with the word “BOSS.” 

“Let’s start our conversation with how we all hate Zoom meetings!” Lem said.

“Totally!” Linda agreed. 

“Linda…” Ted said.

“No, that’s exactly the response we wanted!” Lem said. “Isn’t that right… PHIL?”

“You bet,” Phil said calmly, nodding.

Lem pulled up a chart and explained, “99% of people hate them, in fact. That’s why we invented an artificial intelligence program that will imitate your face on the screen and even speak - you don’t even have to go to meetings, just use this plugin to Zoom and it will show your face, even respond to conversations with the appropriate words and facial expressions. Right, PHIL? ISN’T THAT RIGHT, PHIL?”

“Yeah,” Phil said, nodding and smiling. “Sounds good.”

“HA!!! FOOLED YOU!!” Lem shouted, “That was the program! We showed you the program!!! That was not Phil at all!”

Phil’s screen blurred for a second and then the real Phil showed up onscreen, laughing excitedly. “You totally thought I was really at the meeting! But it was the program ALL ALONG!!” Unlike his virtual image, which had stayed at the center of the screen, Phil was leaning forward so close to the computer that everyone got a closeup of his eyebrow. 

“Yes, that was obviously the program,” Linda said.

Phil and Lem looked surprised. “How did you know?” 

“The way you kept yelling the name ‘Phil,’ mostly,” Ted said. “But otherwise, it was pretty good.”

“Didn’t seem authentic to me,” Veronica said, “I wanted to crush him slightly less than I usually do.”

“Uhh, thank you,” Phil said. “But our research shows that a huge percentage of meeting interactions consist of bland agreement with whatever else is being said. Why spend hours on Zoom when a Viridian app can just do that for you?” 

“And,” Lem said, “It’s based on the latest research in corporate organizational development and the psychology and sociology of professional success in the business world.”

“So, for example, 85% of successful businesswomen smile more than men in comparable positions do, and 93% spend more time than their male counterparts flattering the egos of other meeting attendees,” Phil said enthusiastically. “So the program imitates those behaviors.”

“That seems a little sexist,” Ted said, and Linda added, “More than a little.”

“What about the most, most, most successful businesswomen? What percent of them challenge their rivals who are obstacles to their success to a duel? Just out of curiosity? Because I really like the part where you get to slap them with a glove. And where you get to shoot them. And where you wake up at dawn,” Veronica asked. “And also, by ‘flattering egos’ do you mean statements like ‘I find you to be of low value but temporarily convenient and therefore I will speak to you’?”

“Uhhh… sure…,” Lem said. 

“Hey, can I have a program that makes it look like I’m napping in the meeting? So no one calls on me?” Linda said.

“Better yet, can I make someone else look like they’re sleeping?” Veronica asked, “Or dead? Or make me look like I’m a fire-breathing dragon? Or make sure that when I smile, people know it’s in the predatory shark way of smiling and not in the way that toddlers or environmentalists smile?” 

“You mean a friendly, non-violent smile?” Ted said.

“Yeah, that.”

“Wait,” Linda said, “What happens if everyone at the meeting is using the program? Is it just going to be all of them nodding and saying ‘Sounds good’ and ‘That’s a plan’ in an endless loop or something? Because that sounds ridiculous. And pointless. And… actually, not that different from a face-to-face meeting to be honest. Wait, I think there’s an observation in there somewhere.”

Phil and Lem were nervously chuckling by this point. “Well, what a great question!” Phil said.

“A great, great question!” Lem agreed.

“Truly, a great question!” Phil said.

“Spill it!” Veronica said.

“Well,” Lem said, clearing his throat, “If all but one person at the meeting is using the program at the same time, then that person usually gets everything they want.”

“Well, that sounds nice,” Veronica said. “If it’s the right person. I don’t want to say who I mean by ‘the right person’ but, well, I’m sure it doesn’t need to be said.”

Linda narrowed her eyes. “But Lem, Phil, what happens if _all_ of the people at the meeting are using the program at the same time.”

“Well… that is just unlikely to happen,” Phil said. He and Lem started laughing in clear terror.

“Shut up and talk,” Veronica said. “You know what I mean.”

“Fine,” Phil said, “Basically, there are a couple of rounds of ‘I agree’ and ‘Good idea’ but then the blandly positive comments start to accelerate, and with 3 minutes, all the AI versions of all the people are emitting a pitch of A-sharp. The one two octaves about the treble clef.”

“That sounds painful,” Ted said. “No wonder you were worried.”

There was a silence. “Yep. That’s what we didn’t want to admit,” Lem said.

“Yep,” Phil said.

“The high-pitched sound. That’s the horrible thing we don’t want to happen. That's all. It's definitely not just stage one,” Lem repeated. 

Linda asked, “Guys. What happens after the A-sharp sound?”

“Um-”

“I’m going to assume that for legal reasons it’s better for you to not answer that question when I’m in the room,” Veronica said.

Phil and Lem paused. Finally, Lem said, “That would, uh, be, uh, a reasonable assumption.”

Ted sighed. “Okay, this whole idea is horrible in so many ways.”

“I don’t know, it sounds like a moneymaker,” Veronica said.

Ted grimaced. “Well, there’s also the issue that if people are replaced by AIs that just suck up and smile and say ‘yeah, sure’ to everything, then people are going to end up agreeing to things they don’t want to, and that could create huge problems.”

Veronica frowned. “What do you mean, Ted? Are there companies where bosses give friendly, completely optional suggestions and their employees say ‘no’?”

“Yes, actually.”

“Interesting,” Veronica said, her face scrunching as if she had tasted some bad yogurt.

“And, what if people use this program and then okay things that they have moral objections to?” Ted said. 

“Moro-injections? What are those? Let’s get the patent rolling so our competitors can’t steal from us,” Veronica said.

“Not--” Ted started, but then Linda interrupted and said, “With this program, bosses might say yes to bad ideas and then lose money.”

“Oh,” Veronica said, “Yeah. Good point. Well, what else do you have, science division?”

“What else do we have? What else do we have? You have said no to every idea we’ve had!!!” Phil yelled.

“We’ve pitched terrific ideas all year!” Lem said, “And no approvals from you!” 

“Our giant catapult home and office delivery system?!? That would have been great!!” Phil said.

“It was just a giant catapult. Literally, just a medieval catapult, but way bigger. And you crushed the roof of the office building next door by launching another office building on top of it,” Ted said.

“We would have worked out the glitches with the parachute system!” Phil said.

“And what about when we pitched the electrical device that shocks people if they get closer than 6 feet away from you?” Lem said, “That was a great achievement.” 

“I liked that one, actually,” Veronica said.

“You - you did?” Phil said.

“Sure. It seemed ideal for teachers of small children. I had a targeted marketing campaign planned, but legal said no.”

“Okay,” Lem said, “What about our artificial hug machine? We invented a special wool coiling system that wraps around your arms and torso to make you feel embraced in warmth. What more could you ask for in these challenging times?” 

“It was a cable-knit sweater. You invented a cable-knit sweater,” Ted said.

“It may have looked like a sweater, and made of the same materials as a sweater, and had no statistically significant difference from a sweater in the effect on users' heat retention, but I can assure that it was a piece of genius engineering that was, in no way, ‘just a sweater’!!!” Lem yelled.

Phil added, “You have no idea how many ethical violations we had to commit to figure out the right size of the wool coils! We had to model complex geometric patterns to determine the best structure, and the best way to do that was to genetically engineer these tragically adorable little --” 

“I really, really, really don’t want to hear the end of this sentence,” Linda said.

“Well, what about the therapeutic toilet paper we pitched last week?” Phil said. “Toilet paper and maintaining basic human courtesy are the two hottest commodities of the year! That would have been huge!”

“The toilet paper rush was like months and months ago,” Linda pointed out.

“Also, I did not enjoy that you made us try it ourselves,” Ted said. “I don’t really want talking toilet paper. Especially when it says 'you look handsome today' right as it’s leaving my butt.”

Lem and Phil looked offended. Lem clarified, “It was NOT merely ‘talking toilet paper.’ It analyzed your fecal matter for several key mood indicators, analyzed what you most needed to hear, and verbalized it in a pleasant, friendly, casual yet trustworthy way,” as Phil nodded vigorously in agreement.

“That’s a million times more disturbing,” Ted said.

“Idea!” Veronica said. “We go back to the toilet paper but instead of nice compliments, the toilet paper makes passive aggressive statements about your appearance, home decor, or other issues. Soon after, we text the toilet paper user an ad for a consumer product that would address the issue that the consumer now feels insecure about.”

“That - totally goes against the spirit of what we wanted to do,” Lem said.

Veronica stared.

“But, uh, yeah sure,” Lem said, as Phil nodded too.

“Great,” Veronica said. “Excellent meeting, everyone! This toilet paper is going to save the economy!”

“Go team,” Linda said sarcastically.

Ted just shook his head.


End file.
